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    Consequences of Dating

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    Join date : 2010-03-02

    Consequences of Dating

    Post  Admin on Sun Mar 21, 2010 6:58 pm

    Group Dating: provides social support when individuals are uncomfortable/shy  provides a transition to double dates
    Individual Dating: playing the field/uncommitted recreational association
    Serious/Committed Dating: preference/see one person more than others
    Going Steady: exclusive commitment
    Consequences of Dating (p112 – 113)
    Recreation: dates  a time to relax and have fun, personal gratification
    Intimacy and Companionship:
    o Males: sexual Intimacy
    o Females: interpersonal intimacy
    o Older people: emotional and sexual outlet
    Mate Selection: we date to find someone to marry
    Status Attainment: enhance one’s position in society, dating enhances status/prestige of female, shows maturity and desirability
    Socialization: learning:
    o How to get along with the opposite sex
    o How to relate more meaningfully to the opposite sex
    o Necessary skills for future long-term relationships
    o Gender roles
    Problems in Dating
    Pressure into sexual relationship
    Communication (lack thereof)
    Shyness/uncomfortable
    Not enough money for dates (males)
    Initiation
    Fear of being rejected
    Appropriate Dating Behavior (Richard Udry): learned from:
    • Experience
    • Parents’ advice
    • Peer’s advice/observation
    • Media
    Violence:
    • Hitting/slapping/punching/kicking/threatening/using a weapon
    • Usually no one knows/victim tells no one (in a study, ¼ never told, ¾ told friends)
    • Very few told an adult (mother)
    • In a study 43% boys and 24% girls were involved in fights
    • Sexual Violence
    o Date/acquaintance rape: greater now than before (reported)
    o 1950s: called it “Male Aggression”
    o Lack of communication
    o Girls trained to be acquiescent
    o When pressured, girls don’t respond definitively
    o Boys brought up to believe everything that is not “NO” is “YES”
    o Important for each party to be specific
    o Sexual advances are usually more than the latter likes/is comfortable with
    Breaking Up
    Occurs in beginning/end of semester or during vacation
    More likely man breaks up with woman
    Men fall in love faster than women
    Boys are initially more romantic but hide it well
    If partner breaks up with you:
    • Natural to feel hurt
    • Blow to self esteem
    • Difficult to realize you’re not with them anymore
    • Angry
    If you break up with your partner:
    • Make sure you mean it/not just a threat
    • Partner will feel hurt and angry
    • Difficult to maintain friendly relationship shortly after breaking up
    • Think it through/clear in own mind
    Love: strong, positive attachment
    Romantic Love:
    Developed over time
    Plato (5 century BC):
     Heavenly love: spiritual, intellectual feelings, not physical , mind,, soul (platonic)
     Common love: physical love (romantic)
    Ovid (1st century AD): sensual love – sexual
     Not necessarily involving marriage
     Purest form of love was sex
    Courtly love (12th – 14th century AD)
     Captured in a book by priest Andreas Caperlanus (1184 AD)
     Ways to acquire love:
    Beautiful figure
    Ready speech (be able to communicate)
    Excellent character
    Great wealth
    Generosity
     Four Stages:
    Giving hope
    Granting a kiss/first kiss
    Enjoying an embrace/hugging/feeling up
    Yielding whole person
     Rules of Courtly Love
    Marriage is no excuse to not love someone else
    He who is not jealous cannot love
    A true lover does not desire to embrace anyone except his true love
    Easy attainment of love has little value, hard attainment makes it a prize
    Real jealousy increases love
    Thought of love vexes, very little eating or sleeping
    Possessed by constant thought of beloved
    Can love more than one person, but not at the same time
     Conception of love passed outside courts/royalty
     Romantic love (17th – 18th century AD): love and marriage became linked
    Theories from Social Scientists:
     Sigmund Freud: aim – inhibited sex: love developed when sexual needs are not fulfilled/insufficient sex (generally not accepted except by psychoanalysts)
     Waller: connection between unfulfilled sex and love, doesn’t explain why you love one person and not another
     4 elements for love
    Sex: attraction/stir up feelings
    Pride: feeling that the person is suitable and parents/friends think the same way
    Security: intimacy/directed to whom you feel compatible
    Economics: work together as a partner
     Berscheid & Walster:
     Two Factor Theory of Love:
    Arousal
    Interpretation
     Arousal and fear have the same responses: heart pounding, sweating  different interpretations
    Dating was more formalized before: guy initiates/asks and pays for dates
    Two goals of dating: boys – sexual access, girls – long term partner
    Dating is more casual/informalized now: women initiate, pay together, hang out



    Wheel of Love (Reiss)
     Love is an ongoing process
    o Starts off with someone you feel comfortable with/rapport
    o Open up/engage in self revelation
    o Inter-dependence/bonded/vulnerable
    o Meet personality needs
    o Feel more comfortable/rapport
     Wheel continues to turn (falling in love)
     Love at first sight is inaccurate – attraction at first sight is possible
     Love is an ongoing process and takes time
     As the wheel turns, relationship deepens
     People fall out of love, wheel can turn in opposite direction
     Falling IN love starts with rapport, falling OUT of love can start anywhere
     Sex is embedded within ‘personality needs’
    Lust
    Solely sexual, whereas love is emotional and patient
    Love involves needs of both people
    Lust is selfish, uni-directional
    Loving relationships are mutually satisfying
    Infatuation
    Feelings caused by an unattainable object/person
    Components of lust: unrequited/uni-directional
    Slightly negative connotation
    Jealousy
    Feeling over potential loss of something important
    Afraid of losing love to another person

    Friendship
    Good love relationships often derive from friendships
    Difference between love and friendship is time
    Love is friendship+ +: passion
    Attachment/link
    Good friendships have all the elements leading up to love
    Romantic Love Complex: (William Goode)
    Overwhelming force when you’re in love
    Absorption by emotions and feelings
    Infused with feelings of tenderness and idealization
    Like being in a bipolar relationship: mood-swings go up, problems go down
    Notion of affinity: one and only person for me/had to have happened/destiny/kismet
    Egoism of the pair: in the throes of feelings, self-centered view of world
    Love can be a bad habit:
    Powerful emotion sweeps you into a relationship that may not be necessary
    Tend to see good things in partner, undermine bad things in early stages  Idealistic
    Arranged Marriages
     Parents didn’t want love to complicate social status
     Many societies have developed a way to control love (exogamy, endogamy)
     Child marriages
     Chaperones are there to control love
     Some boys and girls kept completely separate until engagement, then watched over by chaperones
    Folklore of Love
    • Soul-mates: not true, can have good relationships with others
    • Love at first sight: attraction/infatuation
    • Love overcomes all frustrations and challenges: STUPID, do not put love to a test by inventing unnecessary challenges!
    • Love conquers all: love is not enough, commitment, inter-personal skills make a good relationship

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